I feel tired, at the end of the day, sitting in front of my laptop, inspired by the dream of cutting through performative, defensive and pretentious thoughts and finally allowing my true unfiltered self to express itself – here, now. Consciousness talking about itself feels already performative and pretentious. Seating down writing a draft meant for my blog is already something that under brief examination appears to be diluting the sincerity of what i write and the attempt for genuine expression. What should my compass be? What am i aiming for here? To express a need, an unspoken truth, a suppressed desire? I guess profound sounds like something that it should be, unforced should also be somewhere in the mix. So here i go:
Should I walk? Should i run? Should i ‘hack’ my way into a state of stillness where the limbic system feels unnecessary? Should I get so tired that my body takes over my brain and forces it to comply? No more nagging I say to my sensitive, emotional and intuitive self. Enough with your hyper-vigilance, looking over your shoulder as if someone with a knife will stab you in the ribs. When have you ever been attacked in such a way that such fears even exist? What has happened so frequently to you and in which environments did you frequent that you now feel that at any point in time someone will scheme against you, someone will discredit you or deem you unworthy of their time and attention? How insensitive and inadequate where your caregivers during your younger years? What made you feel that voicing your needs would not be a solution to your fears and concerns? Why did you turn to disappointment, despair and eventually bitterness and resentment? These questions are part acknowledgment and validation of my fears but they are also judgment and shaming. If only I had a time machine – a streaming platform to watch Season 5, episode 3 where my mother ignored my cries for attention and warmth. But I don’t. And I don’t need to understand, I don’t need to know, I don’t need any other reason or proof to know that I should help the child in me up. The child that looks inconsolable, the child that scraped their knee after a fall and had his wounds untended for too long now. I don’t need to know why and how – what caused the fall or what the child could do to avoid it – all that’s needed is a warm hug, a ‘there-there’, a ‘let’s go home, i’ll fix you some soup’. And that is what I need right now – love, care and to be compassionate with myself. In the face of open wounds and aching the warmth of acceptance and compassion is all that will ever be needed. Just stay with him now – tell him everything is going to be okay – and see the child’s smile return, a flower bloom and with a face full of sun see his future with optimism and grace. But for now just be there and be present – the child needs it and you need it too.
Awenesty. 