This peace I feel is the absence of highs, the absence of lows, the new ‘makes me feel alive’ kind of state that reminds me that this is not to be taken for granted, that my good health and painless experience is all I can wish for – a foundation that is sought out and once it arrives, it seems it always was here, waiting patiently until I became sober from all the chronic and instant troubles, to reveal itself.
This peace, this stillness, asks for nothing more than presence. It is a mirror for what I’ve always been – no performances, no justifications, no promises, no hopes and no fears – everything is exactly where it should be. Despite the courage and strength that this peace unveils, I hear reluctant whispers that can become much bolder if I indulge in the thoughts they provoke: “How can I make the best out of this state?” asks the productive self wanting to control the outcome and put lightning in a bottle. “Surely, this will not last. It is not sustainable.” says the self that has been conditioned to believe that good things are meant for other people and that good times are just good luck, a candle light flickering before it dies – a short-lived warmth.
But, this peace starts to feel like a new home, a home that I will not be asked to move out from or be told that I don’t have the means to maintain. I will be audacious enough to accept this new reality because maybe I deserve it – maybe the soil is fertile enough, accepting enough, of the goodness, of the compassion and of the kindness I have in me, that I can start offering to others because I have offered it first to myself.
This peace is a privilege and a blessing – a state that I’ve allowed myself to deserve.
Awenesty. 